‘I JUST’… my experience with ADHD

I JUST wanted to share my story to try and express just how thankful I am to the team from the adult ADHD service:

Throughout my life I knew there was something wrong. When I was young and into most of my adult life, I would tell myself it was me, there’s something wrong with me. I can’t do what everyone else does…. after all this is what I was told repeatedly from teachers, managers, partners and “friends”:

If I could JUST…….

“You could be so intelligent if you JUST paid more attention,”

“You have so much potential, but you JUST don’t apply yourself”

“If you were JUST quiet and paid attention, you could do the work required.”

“You have great leadership skills, the other children look up to you – you JUST needs to stay on task.”

“You are a friendly child; you JUST needs to apply yourself to class”

“You a chatter box”

“You are a class clown, and often disturb those around you”

And so I withdrew, I did not want to be singled out again to read aloud- the words which swirl on the page. I cannot read them anymore, which left me feeling stupid especially with my peers laughing at me. I did not want to get others in class in trouble or disturb them and so I withdrew into myself and escaped into my own mind. But now I am called a ‘day dreamer’ and told I need to apply myself more…I could not win.

This was the pattern from childhood into teenage years, the feeling that I was JUST not good enough. Just too boisterous, just too distracted, just not applying myself, just too distracting, just me….. the problem was me.

I started to hate school, I lost friends who now found me annoying because I interrupted them or hyper focused on things they did not understand. I did not want to drop behind with work, so I would come home from school and spend hours trying to catch up with text books before getting frustrated because the words on the page were not going in, or were swirling and I could not read them. The revision tools that were taught to me didn’t work and the rage began to build, which I’m ashamed to say that my mum got the brunt of. She had always been my biggest support, she’d tell me it didn’t matter what the test results were as long as I tried my best and that’s all anyone could ever ask of me, but in my mind I’d been told I didn’t try my best (even when I did) so it was my fault that my grades were slipping. She really does deserve a medal for those years, it cannot have been easy, but she never gave up on me. She sat with me and held me when the pain was too much. She listened as my swirling emotions and racing thoughts that I held in all day would come bursting out. She never judged; she had no support from professionals… there was nothing wrong with me remember…. I was JUST or needed to JUST….

Somehow, I got into college, I was excited but also dreaded it. However, I knew what was coming…. I JUST….

I was right, that did happen all over again, however I also met one of my closest life friends here and it’s through them that pieces began to slot into place. They were diagnosed with ADHD, the similarities were all there, the difference was they had been supported with their journey. They and their family were able to understand the struggles they’d faced and put applications in place to overcome them, rather then been told to JUST. At this point I thought the damage was done for me and adults didn’t have ADHD because they outgrew it, and so I put it to the back of my mind and carried on muddling through the complete mess I was making of my life. The theme continued…. I JUST….

After college I began work as a support worker for adults with learning disabilities and challenging behaviour, after three years I decided to try to become a nurse. I struggled yet again with the studying aspect, but thrived in the practical, and qualified in 2011. I was diagnosed with moderate dyslexia in 2015 and went back in 2020 to gain my v300. Then the struggles continued… I struggled with time management, I was exhausted and not sleeping (still), I was distracted, I acted impulsively, I disturbed the other nurses, I wanted to concentrate in team meetings or training but I JUST couldn’t…

I first approached my GP around 2013 and explained everything that had happened through my life. I asked for a referral to ADHD services for assessment but was told I didn’t have it and the service was too stretched to waste appointments on people who don’t have it. I was told I was most likely bipolar, and so I left the appointment completely deflated because I did not believe I was bipolar. I was started on anti-depressants and sent on my way.  I eventually went back and practically demanded a referral. This was done begrudgingly but I heard nothing from the service past one letter saying I’d been referred. Eventually I gave up and resound myself to the fact I would have to carry on alone, without answers.

I moved area and registered with a new GP. After a few years I decided to ask to be re-referred to ADHD assessment. My GP listened to my story and did the referral, no arguments, no having to demand one. Finally, someone listened!

Up to this point I had:

• Been married and divorced
• Been in countless disastrous relationships
• Been in a low mood for years (and in my opinion wrongly diagnosed with depression)
• The intention to end my life because I JUST could not cope anymore with the constant battle
• Gotten into immense financial difficulty and ended with an IVA
• Lost jobs
• Lost my home

We will never know if these were compounded by undiagnosed ADHD or not, but I have my suspicions.

When I went to the assessment, I didn’t really know what to expect but I knew, one way or the other I would be able to start and rebuild my life.

I had my assessment…I had ADHD… I was 38 years old, and I had just been diagnosed with ADHD. The weight being lifted from my shoulders felt so immense, it all made sense. I just needed to wait for my next appointment to start medication now but in the meantime, I read a lot around adult ADHD. The appointment came faster than expected, which was great and I started medication.

Everyone asks what it is like? how does it change your concentration?

This is the only way I can explain it:

Imagine being in a night club, your friend is in front of you, screaming tell you something but no matter how much you lean into them or try to focus on their lips you cannot hear what they are saying, all you can hear is the banging music and people shouting around you.

Now imagine the same scenario but instead of trying to focus on the impossible, you put in noise cancelling headphones, the noise goes down and you can focus on your friend and hear what they are saying. For me that is what the medication has done. It’s turned down the constant noise in my mind, so I can focus on tasks and stay focused. I’m sleeping properly for the first time ever, I have more energy through the day because of this. It has honestly been life changing for me and I only wish I had had the option to start it years ago. We will never know what my life would have looked like if I had the support I needed growing up or if my mum had. If the schools had been aware instead of blaming the children.

Are there days when I struggle still? Sure, but the struggle is no where near what it was before medication and understanding what is happening allows me to manage the struggle better, rather than going into what I call ‘ADHD paralysis’ and spiralling. I can focus on one task at a time and complete it rather than juggle 10 and complete barely any and the ones completed would be done badly.

Does the medication fix everything? Of course not, the medication is a tool that allows you to work on yourself and understand yourself better so you can implement coping mechanism that are healthy rather than toxic.

The emotional turmoil from being diagnosed has been significant for me, I sat back and looked at the ways I had been let down, repeatedly over the years. I had to grieve the version of myself that I could have been if I had had this understanding earlier, if I had started medication earlier.

Obviously, everyone’s story is different but I wanted to share mine so you could understand the difference the ADHD service and staff I have encountered there, have made to my life.

I want to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you…. Thank you for listening to me, thank you for taking the time to assess me and thank you for helping me change my life for the positive with your support and understanding. Without the service I don’t know where I would have ended up. The life of someone with undiagnosed ADHD for me was lonely, frustrating life, filled with self-loathing because I didn’t understand why I could not JUST… now I know I CAN and I WILL.

Please don’t underestimate the effect you have on people’s lives every day. You support them to get the help they need to understand themselves better and how to adapt to make life less challenging on a daily basis.